Truthfully...

So.

So much for keeping up my reflective journal of school-time, it's been more than a month since my last post... reason being it's been a pretty shit month. The post is called truthfully because truthfully...

I've been seriously considering giving up this PGCE. So seriously that I've applied for about 5 jobs which have nothing to do with teaching in any way shape or form. The reasons are plentiful, and I know they're valid because everyone else on the Maths PGCE has agreed with me;

1) The children are horrible. They have no qualms about saying "Miss this lesson is really boring" or "You're a shit teacher", and I'm sensing a 'blame culture' which has resulted in everything being the teacher's fault. If a pupil does badly in a test, even if the rest of the class did well, it's the teacher's fault. "I wasn't taught properly...". Pupils (particularly my Year 10's) refuse to work if the lesson isn't 'fun'. Which brings me nicely on to  my next reason.

2) There has to be a big song and dance in every lesson. Thinking about Maths in particular, if pupils have to work through questions from a textbook for a lesson, it's not a 'fun' lesson and they therefore aren't being taught properly.

Well I'm sorry. Sorry that there's no colourful puzzle to fill in, no exciting little activity for you to faff around with for 50 minutes while I desperately try and get you to do some mathematical thinking. But if you're going to sit a 2-hour Maths GCSE exam in June and get at least a C, you're going to have to develop some sort of discipline to sit and actually do some Mathematics. Because really, that's a vital skill you need for Maths; to be able to patiently work through problems, going along carefully and usually for long periods of time. How do you think Andrew Wiles proved Fermat's Last Theorem? Sitting around on his arse waiting for someone to show him how to do it? With a colourful presentation, and pretty little pictures and boxes to tick?

Cor. Haven't had a good rant like that in ages. Next point;

3) I, personally, am trying to run like the wind before I can even pull myself up on two feet. I've always been like this; I hated being shown how to do something, I always wanted to just get on and do the fucking thing. But I'm now realising with this that I've just made things much harder for myself, and I'm actually slowing down and asking for help. Which is always good.

4) I think I'll make this the last point, since I've talked about it already in my last blog. The total and utter hopelessness and futile attempts at lesson planning. I've been spending (as I've said before) about 2-3 hours on each lesson I teach. And that's 9 lessons a week (when it's not disrupted by some shit like Target Setting Day or International Dress Day) so mathematically that's 18-27 hours a week of planning. On top of the 36 hours spent at school/IoE. And it always turns out that what you've done is shit. You think it's great! Look, here's a great graph I spent ages creating from scratch. But no. It is shit.

Also I've only got one working eye, and a shitty laptop which corrupted all my hard work. Although one of those problems has been sorted now, through some kindly and most timely financial assistance. Unfortunately my eye's still squonk, and has been for about a month now. I've been commenting that it's hard enough to keep control of a class with two functional eyes, let alone one. Ideally I'd have three, but that won't be happening any time soon.

Anyway. Today's been the first day I've not felt like staying in bed crying, in over a month. So I feel I must record this day, and refer back to it when the real hard work starts after Christmas... I think it was mainly down to a Year 10 lesson I took today. You know, the class with Shania* in.

The class didn't start well. With my Title, Date and Lesson Objective ready to note down, Shania* and Melanie* entered the lesson having just had a fight, and about 3 seconds after entering the classroom Melanie stormed out, commenting "I'm not staying in a classroom with that fucking prick." I couldn't run after her and leave the class, but luckily another class teacher had spotted what had happened and rushed after Melanie to calm her down. That just left me with Shania and the rest of the class, at which point I thought 'Oh fuck' because I thought it would all kick off from that point.

But from observation, I know that Shania is actually extremely bright. She shouldn't be in set 7 Maths, but she's there only for her behavioural issues. When she actually managed to get stuff written down on paper, she finished her work before everybody else, got onto extension tasks, helped others (if somewhat brusquely; "WHY CAN'T YOU DO THIS SHIT MAN IT'S WELL EAAASSYYY") and contributed to class discussions. So I'm thinking I'm dealing with her in the right way - lots of other teachers seem to comment about her madness in their lessons most of the time, and she is always being put on report. As for the rest of the class, under my new-found stern manner, they were much better behaved and actually managed to pay attention when I asked. After about 3 minutes of stern instructions.

But crucially, this lesson has helped me actually see progress in my teaching skills, and some proof that actually not everything I'm doing is complete and utter bollocks. The pupils did inform me today that they hated Maths, but when the buzzer for lunch went off they said "Oh, is that the end already?!" which was something I really wanted to hear.

I think the only thing that's stopped me from going insane and emigrating to Wales (again) is the fact that, once I'm up in front of a class teaching, I absolutely love it. It's so good to see pupils go "OOOOH that's so obvious now!" and to watch them all follow my instructions and get on with some work under my direction. I am quite bossy after all... and when they're engaged in the lesson, you get a real buzz from it. I think it's just all the other stuff that's happened, around the teaching, that's got me down recently. I'm hoping from today it'll all be uphill from here!